identity
i don't want all of my posts to be about my identity and how i feel about myself but it's most of what i think about nowadays. i don't really have an outlet for this stuff because i don't want to burden my friends and therapy is out of the question for me. i think i can say confidently that i have some sort of identity disorder, i don't like saying it because i feel like a mockery to everyone who genuinely is affected by these disorders. i also worry because when i was younger (around 11-12) i was groomed by someone who made me believe i had DID even when i was uncertain, so a part of my head is always worried that maybe i'm just thinking the way she wanted me to think. i've been researching this for atleast 5 years now and i've always felt like i resonate with it, it just feels silly because i notice all these things about myself but nobody i interact with ever says anything. like if nobody ever notices me acting off then im worried i'm just making it up in my head. as far as i'm concerned i've always fit all of the criteria for it except for the trauma one, which is like, the most important one. but i genuinely don't know if i fit that criteria because i can't remember my childhood. i don't remember anything except for my parents' arguments and me getting sa'd and i don't think either of those were impactful enough to cause something like this in my head. so i would really love to know why i feel this way if not for that. i have all these people in my head and i have other mes and all these voices and i'm never truly myself but i don't want to seem like one of those people who desperately want to have disorders i just want to know why i act and feel the way i do. of course i would never rule out the fact it could be a totally other issue and if so then i'd love for me to explore other pathways aswell. it just always felt like this is what feels right for me, the thing i feel most understood in. i don't really know what i'm talking about right now it's 2:27 am and i have school in the morning. i just wanted to get this thought out of my head. im really nervous that this is disrespectful or something so i might delete in the morning... goodnight.