hi my name is liam

family

i forgot to post yesterday, oops. i am alive and well. i wont add cws often but this post is particularly heavy so i'm going to add one.

cw for csa (5th paragraph) read at your own discretion

today was good i think, i'm eating a yoghurt bowl as i eat this and it's so good. it's the last week of school and my friends are starting to come up with plans which i'm excited for, but i'm also nervous about school right now. i don't know entirely if i'm going to pass this year, i haven't really been doing my work due to mental health issues. i wasn't even supposed to make it to this year, you know? like, i was going to kill myself before the school year, then i didn't, then i was going to kill myself before the second semester, and i didn't; now i just have to deal with my own backlash from that because i've done jack shit for work. i keep telling myself it's not my fault but it for sure is, i need to start working on taking more responsibility. i'm trying my best to catch up but since i've pushed it off for so long i have to cram all of my school year into 9 weeks.

i keep arguing with my mum lately, it feels like it's all we ever do. it just feels soo counterproductive because i've been genuinely trying my best to repair my relationship with her. i've spent most of my childhood and teenage years indifferent to her, she's always felt like some woman i live with rather than a motherly figure (to which she then joked with saying she had 'given up' by the time she'd had me after my 5 siblings) i've been going out for lunch with her alot which is nice, but she never seems to have time for me. she's been staying upstate housesitting for my sister and her girlfriend for a little over a month now, and last week i begged her to pick me up from work just so i could see her. she said no, and i asked why, and she instead said we'd go out for lunch the next day. the next day came, she told me she couldn't go out for lunch, she had to clean her room. when she left to go pick up alcohol for my father, i spent the next hour cleaning her room for her just so i could have a chance to hang out with her that day. it was genuinely humiliating, i sat there wondering why i was trying so hard for her to just spend time with me. my own mother, mind you. i remember how upset i was when i didn't even get to see her on my own birthday, she cancelled my birthday dinner because my dad was sick, why couldn't i just go out for dinner with her? she didn't get me anything, i didn't see her until two days later. i'm really lucky to have the friends that i do who instead spent time with me that night. i'm trying to fix my relationship with her and it feels like i'm talking to a wall all the time.

the other day my mother found out i'd been taking pictures of the house and showing my friends and my youth worker. my house, that was covered in dirt and filth and i could barely walk through without tripping over. the house that i threw up to the stench of multiple times, the house that made me cry at the end of the school day because i wanted to do anything not to come back to it. she found out i'd been doing that, and she asked me how i thought that made her feel, embarrassing her as a parent. i'd never thought of it like that, sure, but she barely even lives here. when she's not housesitting, she's at my dads or up in the country with my sister or my brother. her room has dust on it from how little she sleeps in there. when she asked me how i thought that made her feel i got angry because i'd tried to kill myself over this house. a few weeks ago i bought a pack of razors from a local shop and planned to run away on a bus, somewhere far away where my family would never find me, slit my wrists and not have to deal with any of it ever again. i didn't, obviously, but i almost did; and it made me wonder if she'd even believe me if i told her that. how would that make her feel? she yelled at me, she told me i was calling her a failure of a parent and not to talk to her. i went back to my room and sobbed for the first time in years. i don't make noise when i cry, i've always been really quiet about it because i don't want anyone to hear me, but in that moment i really just sobbed with my whole chest. i went back out to talk to her 30 minutes later, tears still falling down my face and she sighed at me. i asked her for something as i was going out a few hours later, she went: "why should i ever do anything for you?". i just shut up, i went back to my room and i laid there crying for another half hour until she walked into my room, holding her wine glass, acting totally normal. a big smile on her face as my face was red and i was shaking. she asked me what time i was going out, what i'd be doing, how much money did she need to give me for me to have a good time, would i have fun? i wasn't even thinking about that anymore. i just wanted my mother to love me.

then after that i did go out, it worked, i went and saw resident evil and i had a great time. i felt normal again for the first time that day. i got home late, around 7-8 pm, and the second i walked in my mum told me not to talk to my sister anymore. my sister who lives with me and is the only reason i can do most of the stuff i do. she said: "don't even ask [sister] for anything, don't ask her to take you anywhere, we're done with her". first of all, i'm 17 and i can think for myself, second of all, what? i left for 3 hours and i come back and my whole household had fallen into pieces? they'd had a major argument, screaming at eachother and i could feel the tension in the air. why was i even a part of it? i wasn't even here. SHE brought me into it, lied about stuff i've said to my sister and made me apart of it. all i could think was: i should've just stayed at my friends house. he asked me if i wanted to stay there and i said no, because, i thought my mother had gotten better even after our argument earlier that day. i thought, surely she'll be nice to me when i get home, right? i've had such a great time seeing this movie. nothing bad can get me down. i should've went and stayed with him.

i'm scared i hold some hidden resentment for my mother over something that happened to me when i was very young, around 5 or 6, my mother works as a caretaker for senior people within the community and she talks about me often to them. she'd often take me to meet them or i'd go with her while she went on errands for them, they'd give me gifts and such, because i was a kid and these were older ladies and gentlemen who probably thought of their own kids or grandkids when they saw me. she had this one client though, an older lady who had a son a bit older than me, i believe he was around 8 or 11? i don't really remember him that well. we were close, though. he taught me how to skateboard and would show me so many cool things. i remember sitting on his floor playing with legos while we watched teenage mutant ninja turtles on the tv. i remember all the really good memories like playing on his trampoline, the time i got stuck in his chimney trying to grab a bow that fell out of my hair, the times we made tent forts in his living room, and stuff like that. i wonder if he thinks about me sometimes too and feels guilty about what he did. one night i playing at his house with his younger brother who was closer to my age, he called me over and was excited to tell me about this new thing he'd just learned. then he asked me if i knew what sex was. i didn't, obviously i didn't. i was literally 5 years old, but i was an idiot and i wanted to know what it was because this was my best friend and i trusted him so much, i wanted to be cool like him, he was older, he was cooler, and i wanted him to like me. he asked me if i wanted to try it out, and to ask my mother if i could stay the night so i did, i ended up staying. i've never been good with my memory, my whole childhood is a blur and i can barely remember yesterday, this morning, a few hours ago. that night is one of the clearest memories i have in my head. i laid on his couch and he touched me, his brother was still in the room. i remember my friend asking him to turn around so he wouldn't see me. i got scared, he never got far, i asked him to stop and he did. i remember rolling over on my side and falling asleep shaking. i didn't know what he was doing to me but i knew it wasn't right. i don't think it even really counts for anything, i've always told myself not enough happened to really count as sexual assault. i never saw him again after that night and i wonder if they ever found out what happened. i don't think my mother knows, i don't think i could ever tell her because that was HER client's son, the lady she cared for gave birth to the guy who hurt me like that. i don't know how that'd make my mother feel, but i don't want to find out. what if she didn't even believe me? i don't know. i'm scared i hold some hatred towards her for putting me in that situation even though i know it wasn't her fault.

i just felt like ranting today to get everything off my chest so none of this is really coherent. i finished eating my yoghurt bowl and i think i'm going to fall asleep now.

good things that happened today: