hi my name is liam

everything

today i've really been thinking alot about stuff, i feel like everything's so hard. like, i have to live like this for the rest of my life kinda thing. everyday i have to wake up, i have to go to school or work, sometimes both. i have to make sure i eat and drink multiple times a day, i have to take care of myself; then i have to sleep again and i wake up the next day to the same routine. it just keeps going on and on and i have to do this forever, time passes so fast, i feel like i have time for nothing. 7 days in a week and theres maybe a few hours where i'm certain i can have time for myself. i think everything's super stressful at the moment too because of my trip in january, which don't get me wrong i'm really excited for it, but there's so much going on right now it's got me worrying that maybe it isn't the right time. i just never have enough time for anything, i feel like i'm not able to express myself the way i wish i could (which could just be tied into my general feelings about my identity and such) but it's been really getting under my skin lately.

i've been super angry recently, it's like, i've spent too much time being sad that i just can't do it anymore and it's resulting in me having fits of anger. everyone's bothering me. i can barely enjoy hanging out with my friends in person anymore because they just piss me off, and i know i'm being unreasonable because they literally aren't doing anything and it's not their fault in the slightest but i just get so agitated. it's such a dehumanizing feeling to know that i cant control my own emotions. i've been fighting the urge to cut everyone off in my life, i wish for just a week or so i could hide away from everyone, just be by myself. i feel like i'm bothering everyone i talk to, they always could have something better to do or someone nicer to talk to. i know it's my fault because i could be a better person and maybe people would enjoy talking to me more, but i don't know what to do about that. i don't know how to control myself. i don't even know who i am. i've been feeling recently that the people in my life aren't MY friends, like they're my friends obviously, but i don't think they're MY friends? i don't even know what i'm talking about at this point. it's like, i have myself, my body, me, and he has friends, but then theres ME, whatevers going on in the head of my body, and i'm being forced to talk to HIS friends. I DON'T KNOW THESE PEOPLE!! like obviously i do, because, you know these have been my friends for what years months days whatever, so subconciously i know i know them, but I don't know them. i don't even know what i'm saying anymore, i don't know how to explain myself and it just makes my head hurt. i'm just rambling on at this point i don't even know what direction this post is supposed to be going in. i wish people liked talking to me more and i wasn't such a bother.

good things that happened today: